Erik Erikson believed that we go through seven major stages in personal development and at the beginning of each new stage there is a crisis. There is one crisis that deals specifically with the decision to join other humans or to be alone. Some would say that Mr. Erikson was wrong because everyone automatically chooses not to be alone. I don't know how this stuff works but I know I feel as though I'm going through this crisis now.
I'm beginning to wonder about true love and it's existence or not. I'm sure many of more educated men and women have studied the subject and written about it. But I feel like there are only two options that currently exist. You're either a realist and see a couple that doesn't fit together and think "she could do better". Or, you're an idealist and see this same couple and think "they're in love." So is it desperation that drives the gorgeous girl into the arms of the fat, ugly, bald guy? Or is he her someone, the one she wants? I don't know.
But what I do know, is what I see. I look at my parents. They found out they were pregnant with me just months after they met. They're still together by some divine intervention but I don't believe they are soul mates. Yet they are too afraid to break apart and find someone more like themselves. Perhaps they're afraid that anything better is just a fairy tale. But I don't believe that they have "settled" because they have good times together but they would make better friends than life partners in my opinion.
I look at my brother and his wife. There was no pressing matter that forced them into marriage. There was no child, no money in it, perhaps time was looming over them with my sister in law being close to thirty and wanting to have kids at some point soon. So, they married...fast. Although she deals with my brothers anger problems and anxiety better than anyone I know, it is still the most pathetic marriage I've ever witnessed. It's a buisness deal, a machine, a system, a deal, even a game. She cheats on him emotionally so they move out of state for him to find my best friend and "fall in love" with her overnight. So they're even. Once that wave has passed, it goes back to her being his personal slave and him abusing her verbally and emotionally every day out of frustration towards her ignorance about close to everything that matters.
I don't know that I've ever believed in true love, even outside of romance. But I used to find hope in my relationships with my friends. My best friend since child hood knows my ins and outs. She reads me like an open book and we can be continents apart for a year or more with no contact and pick right back up where we left off. But thats just it, I practically beg to spend time with this girl anymore. It used to be so easy when we were kids. I would just walk two houses down. Now, we're grown up. She has a kid and is in school to become a nurse. I'm still living at home, working part time and going to school full time. I know she still loves me and I, her. We're both busy but it goes beyond that. She's replaced me with someone in a similar situation to hers. A girl who had a child young and is now a single mother. Any spare moment she has (which is rare) is spent with this girl. I don't feel like a real "best friend" would replace you. You shouldn't have to beg for your best friends attention.
So, in middle school I started hanging with this group of people. At the time, we were extremely similar and became in seperable. We took our friendship very seriously and believed that one day we would all be 80 and talking about the good ol days. I suppose it's still possible. But we've all changed so much. We began to be busy with our own lives and goals. We still hang out but after having different jobs, schools, boyfriends\girlfriends and making new friends, we've drifted.
Then I look at my current close friend. We only met a little over a year ago but we relate and we support each other. We have fun when we hang out together and I genuinely care about her. But I feel like we lack the history. I feel like without knowing each other not just as we are but who we used to be is important and I can never give her that, nor can she give that to me.
So where is the real love? Where is the true love? The Disney classics have trained me to believe there is someone out there that will fill in the blanks of my happily ever after. But if that doesn't exist in the way that Walt painted it, should I settle? or make the decision to be alone?
I'm exactly 3 months shy of 21. And to date I've had 4 men ready and willing to marry me. Two proposed and the other two already told me they had plans to. Being that I am in a state of availability you can guess what my answer was to all of them. Not only did I reject them but I RAN! I can't even commit to getting to class on time the next day and they want me to commit to the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Dear Future Boyfriends,
Don't ask me because that will be the day I leave you. Call me afraid to commit but I've been in love before and it wasn't enough to make me say "I do."
-Jessie
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