I feel as though this blog has become a neglected ghost town, just waiting for the day that it will be rediscovered by historians who see stories of love and hope etched within it's walls.
My usual topic retracts back to music whether I intend it to or not. Let's see if I can be intellectual about my feelings in this blog without going back to music. I'll also let you know ahead of time that this blog is going to be more emotional than previous. I apologize for adding more sadness to this already weeping world.
By all definitions of the word, whether you use dictionary.com, urbandictionary.com or good ol' Miriam Webster, my life is a state of helter skelter presently. I suppose it all started May 21st 2011. That's the day that my great-grandmother passed away. I don't believe there ever was a college student as close to her great-grandmother as I was. She was just shy of 81 years old...I am just shy of 21 years old. It's very rare to for someone my age to even have a great-grandmother, much less have a relationship with her.
She went into the hospital right before finals at Antelope Valley College, a sunday to be exact. I thought she would make it out like she always did. She made it through plenty of heart attacks, strokes, hip replacements, asthma attacks and seasons of pneumonia. What's a little trouble breathing and a headache? Apparently it was the end. I walked into the hospital room Monday afternoon to see the shell of a woman that I once knew. I was frightened by what I saw. I expected to see the usual when "Mimi" went into the hospital...my great-grandmother wearing different clothes and an IV in her arm. But this woman, I didn't recognize. She was pale, shaking, and unable to speak or communicate. She was hunched over to one side and made everyone aware of her pain when nurses tried to straighten her fragile body. Her eyes wouldn't meet my gaze as I searched her face for the woman I knew. It became quickly clear that I only had a short time with her because the real "her" was fading in and out. I'd like to think that Jesus was walking with her over the next few days but I cannot be sure. All that I am sure of is that sometimes, she was there but most of the time, she was not.
I was off Tuesday, just two days before she was to pass. I sat by her bed side morning to night stroking her face even though the doctors strongly believed she could have menengitis which is highly contagious. I knew that wasn't what it was. It was just her time and unfortunately it was painful for her. I waited patiently for the real her to come through. It was afternoon. I can't tell you the exact time but she could because my Mimi remembers time almost down to the second. She lifted her head a little off the cold, paper hospital pillow and with a very weak, broken, tired voice she said I love...you. I could barely understand it and almost didn't believe I had heard what I had heard. She hadn't spoken any bit of sense to anyone in weeks.To be completely honest I didn't even say it back. I smiled briefly then began to cry, mostly to myself. A tear ran down my face and I watched her fall back against her pillow and become lost again in that state of barely being alive. My grandfather walked in and startled me back into the jaded, quietly strong girl that I had become to my friends and family since I first saw my best friend in this state.
I stayed by her side into the evening on tuesday but decided to leave for the latter portion of the evening once my mother arrived, to keep my sanity. Wednesday is a blur for me. I know I worked in the morning and had school in the afternoon. I had the oppurtunity to see her Wednesday evening but my heart sank at the thought of going through the emotional roller coaster that I endured Tuesday, so I went to my friends for an escape. I regret that to this day but I've been told everything happens for a reason. Thursday morning around 6:25am, she passed away. This was how I was told: I was asleep, dreaming about the last few days. I woke up to my mom's voice. Not as harsh and hurried as it is on any other natural thursday. As soon as my eyes opened I had a flashback of the day my aunt passed away. I knew what was going on when I saw my mom emerge through the haziness of my own eyes. At that moment my own feelings were cast aside instantly, not by any fault of my mom or my own. This is just how I function. My mom sat on my bed and said plainly "Your Mimi passed away this morning". I threw my arms around my mom and told her "it's okay, shes no longer in pain." I held my mom and let her cry, fighting back my own tears. Beyond that, there was not much else spoken between the two of us that morning.
My mom rushed to the hospital to be with my Grandfather. I got on the phone to deal with my arrangements for work. I would like to paint a better picture of my workplace with this story but there is no way of doing that. I called right at opening. A woman I work with who is considerably older and more soured by the world's negativity answered the phone with a new, early morning hate for whoever was to be on the other end of the line. After she greeted me with a "hello?" I said "Hello, this is Jessica." Apparently there was a bad connection and my co-worker decided it was better to hang up on me, than to try and establish a better connection but not before a pig-like grunt of disgust as if it was my problem that the connection was bad. I re-dialed the number and was met with an even more firey greeting of "HELLO?!?" I calmly explained my situation and thanked her for dealing with me. Battling her negativity was not going to be an option today so I let it go.
What was to come next is extremely private and I would be concerned for your well being if you wanted to know about my trip to the hospital and the second to last time I see the hands of great grandma that once held me.
My journey after however, is to be posted at a later date.
No comments:
Post a Comment